Getting Over a Breakup

You just got dumped, or maybe you broke up with someone. You just want to curl up and retreat from the world.

It doesn't matter if it was a long-term relationship, a short-lived cyber affair, an unrequited love or a good friends-with-benefits arrangement. If you cared and connected, you feel a deep and painful void where there was once laughter and affection. It's like experiencing a small death.

Grieving over your lost love for a short time is understandable, but if you linger too long in the purgatory of how-it-used-to-be, your friends will eventually get tired of hearing you talk about your ex and advise you to "Get over it."

You agree on some level. You know that you really ought to start getting on with life and move on. Every day starts with that intention. But every night ends with you wanting to call them, check out their Facebook page or look through old photos, just to feel closer to them.

Getting over it. Easy to say. Much harder to do.

And no wonder, because there's a bio-chemical reason behind the desperation and despair.

Researchers who've looked at the brains of the lovelorn say that loss, especially rejection by a romantic partner, lights up areas of the brain that are associated with addiction. This can lead to psychological reactions that cause obsessive preoccupation with your partner, feelings of frenzied desperation, guilt over what you could have done differently and even physical pain. Letting go for good seems unimaginable.

PHYSICAL

1. Meditate, don't medicate. Avoid overusing drugs, alcohol, cigarettes and coffee and resist the urge to stuff down your feelings using chocolate and food. You'll only end up feeling worse about yourself. In times of stress, having a drink or eating a quart of ice cream may be tempting, but doing so will only cause you to spiral down into a depression, lose sleep and gain weight. Instead, take five minutes to sit quietly, meditate, practice yoga or deep breathing.

2. Eat healthfully and regularly. Your body can't function properly without the proper nutrition. Don't skip meals or resort to convenience food. Treat yourself as if you were your own child -- eat wholesome meals that are balanced and freshly made.

3. Get plenty of sleep. There's nothing more replenishing to your body than quality sleep. If you are having trouble going to sleep because of punishing, pain-producing thoughts, try this: Keep a journal by your bed, write down your anxieties and imagine them flowing out of you and onto the paper. Say, "I fully release you and let you go. I give myself permission to peacefully sleep."

4. Exercise your blues away. The absence of pleasure-producing endorphins after a break up can make you feel sluggish and miserable. Exercise increases your endorphins. Join a health club, take the stairs instead of the elevator, walk to work, do some yoga or take a salsa lesson. Make a promise to do something active for 30 minutes a day for 30 days, no excuses.

EMOTIONAL

5. Feel your feelings. Don't ignore or stuff them down. Let the tears flow and express your anger. Ignored emotions will only make you calloused and afraid. One way of unloading your feelings is to write out what might be too difficult to say out loud to others right now. Or better yet, start a dialogue with your broken heart, asking this part of you questions and giving it the solace and attention it needs right now.

6. Surround yourself with smiles and happy vibes. Make time for some feel good activities -- anything from having a cup of tea with a friend to taking the kids to the zoo to playing a round of golf. Be sure to surround yourself with people that will uplift you, not unhappy ones that will just drag you down. Studies have shown that laughter or just smiling has a way of lifting your mood instantly.

MENTAL

7. Stop obsessing. All those obsessive thoughts and instant replays of would of, could of, should of head trips must stop NOW. The best way to do it is to say, "STOP!" If the thoughts won't stop, then say, "NO! STOP NOW!" If they persist, then continue, "ENOUGH! NO MORE! STOP!"

Saying "STOP!" interrupts the obsessive thought process and breaks the cycle of pain. Immediately, redirect your thoughts away to something good that is happening in your life.

8. Take a 60-second vacation. Thinking relaxing thoughts and verbalizing calming statements starts the healing process and helps you lessen anxiety. Take a deep breath and say out loud, "I am calm. I am safe and I can handle this." Anything from smelling a flower to petting an animal can help take you away for even a minute, which starts the process of feeling free.

SPIRITUAL

9. Gratitude is grounding. Have you ever noticed that it's impossible to feel grateful and depressed at the same time? Gratitude can transform pain into love and bring peace to your emotional chaos. Remind yourself of all the things you're grateful for. Better yet, write it down. This strategy works miracles for bringing you out of any gloomy mood.

10. Give to others. Studies show that the happiest people are ones who give the most to others. When you're depressed, anxious or stressed, there is a high degree of focus on the self. Focusing on the needs of others literally helps shift your thinking and your mood from victimhood to empowerment.

When you're feeling down after a breakup, you may feel like you want to avoid the very activities that will actually make you feel better -- exercise, visiting friends, being kind to those in need. As much as you might want to, avoid isolating yourself from others. Ask for help and talk to a friend who you know is a good listener. Be kind and gentle with yourself. Don't think of this as time wasted because you aren't with that special person, but as precious time you need to reinvest in a healthier, more grounded and more spiritually enlightened you.

Ten things your boyfriend is dying to tell you

1. Yes, you've put on a few pounds but thats okay!

Nothing in life stays the same. That includes our bodies. If you noticed the change, he did too. That doesn't mean he has a problem with it. Many of us like when out women add on some ”bonus” weight. We see it as an enhancement to what was already there. So relax. You being comfortable in your own skin will always be the ultimate turn on.

2. Thats not the hairstyle for you.

Whether you wear it short, long, natural or with a little something extra added in there, he definitely takes an interest in your hair. Now, its your hair, do with it as you please. There are times, however, when he would like to have a little input without being the bad guy and simply have the liberty to say, ”babe thats not my favorite style on you!”

3. Go out with your girls please!

Yes, there will be times he's looking forward to your ”girls night out” just as much as you are - but you shouldn't be offended. It isn't that he doesn't want to spend time with you. Your ability to have a social life outside of your time together makes you even more attractive. You'll never be one of the guys, and thats perfectly okay. (He doesn't need another homeboy.) What he needs is for you to be his woman. Thats what gives him balance.

4. ” Actually, No, I don't miss you yet!”

When your asking a man if he misses you and you only just left his house, sometimes he's tempted to tell the truth and say, ”Not really.” Give him a chance to miss you. Let him say it and show it when he's ready and the result week be far more rewarding. At times, a little space will help fuel the passion and keep the fire going.

5. Your friend really aren't that cool!

He is never going to enjoy your friends as much as you do. They're your friends for a reason. While he may genuinely like them, and he should, there will be times where he just wants to bore out and let you hang out with them without him having to sit through all those inside conversing about shoes and work drama and stories he can't keep up with.

6. No I'm not awake!

When you call him just after midnight on a tuesday and ask him if he's asleep, but beurre he can answer you start talking, and talking and talking, he really wants to hang up. In fact, if you were anybody else he would hang up. If its not an emergency, cut him some slack sometimes and let him get his beauty rest too.

7. Thats what your wearing?

You may be the fashionista, but every more and then your man has a critique or two - even if he doesn't voice it at the time. That generic head nod he gives you when you ask if you look good is really his conscious effort not to kill your vibe. Sometimes he just wants to say ”babe, I hate it” without you taking it as an insult or mood killer. Some looks will inevitably appeal to him more than others and you went him to feel comfortable telling the truth about which is which.

8. Can I stay home please?

There will be times when he just rents to stay home. Sitting on the couch with his favorite food and beverage of choice can be heaven on earth for a man. He knows this can't happen all the time. But when the moment is right, it can be just as fun to kick it in the crib and just enjoy each other without the outside noise.

9. Can we go to the gym together?

Please note that I mean no offense here and in going to tread carefully. Yes, there are times when he notices some changes in your figure that could be alleviated by a few good cardio classes. (And he may feel the same about his own right gain.) With that said, he has no right to encourage you to hit the gym if he never goes. If it's something he desires to do together with you, you should at least give it a try - especially if fitness is super important to him. Adding that dynamic to your relationship could make things more exciting.

10. This ain't my momma's cooking!

You know that dish you make him because it's his favorite? Well, it is his favorite, when his mom makes it. It's great that you want to learn how to make that specialty meal just for him and I'm sure he appreciates the gesture. But, as poker players say, ”Sometimes you have to know when to hold em and when to fold em”